It's now the end of July and I'm weaning from my maximum "on demand" dosage of 1600mcg. per day, to zero, zip, nothing per day; bing, bang, boom. And it hurts.
Strangely, this experience is not what I expected it to be. I thought I'd be rolling violently on twisted sheets, foaming at the mouth. It's not like that. Symptoms of with-drawl in me are a marked increase in the nerve pain I feel in my feet, ankles, shins and buttocks. I hate the meds. All of them, and I don't want to be beholden to them any longer.
I'm only 48 years old, and it would be a lie if I told you that I didn't expect that daily doses of methadone and opioids would make me high. I thought they would; I thought a significant side-effect would be a pleasant dizziness or disorientation. I expected that in addition to the mitigation of my neuropathic pain, I'd also experience a reprieve from real life. It wasn't that way when I stepped-up to stronger prescribed drugs, and it sure as hell isn't that way now.
With-drawl symptoms manifest in me greater pain, and I haven't yet started reducing my daily methadone intake. As background, I've weaned from all of my meds at least once, and was shocked then at the level of pain this traitorous spine visits on my body every moment. So, why do it?
I'm taking this big step backwards now so that I can hopefully take a bigger step toward less pain and greater functionality in the future. My pain doctor believes that at some point, in some people, the opioid they ingest actually cause greater pain. He's not saying that one's body develops only a tolerance, but that in addition to a tolerance opioid can become a driver of neuropathic pain. This seems quackish; it's not.
No matter who you are, long courses of narcotic relief carry this risk. So, how do you find out? Remove the drugs. Yeah, it's just how it sounds, too. It's brutal. Electric pain fires down my legs all the way to my toes; sometimes a null feeling so that I or someone else can push pins into my feet or toes, and at other times it's exactly the opposite when the weight of the sheet on my bed feels like bricks dropping on the tips of my toes. You folks know what I mean. How about that 'shins on fire feeling' or trying to lift your own body weight in the car by grasping the handle above the window on the passenger side for hours, just counting the miles left to drive. We all know what I'm talking about so I'll stop; but we also know about those times when the med's don't work. That is a symptom of tolerance.
So it seems as if the solution would be easy, raise the med's. The problem is that you reach a point when you just can't take more, either the side effects or the dosage can kill you. Life's hard, but it's harder when your stupid...or broke...or live in an area with poor medical coverage...
This is what I going to do. Reset my body by removing all of the heavy-duty pain killers (HAH!). I'm going to a clinic in Miami, I live near NYC, that is run by a neurosurgeon who doesn't believe in opioid, and I'll give it the old college try for at least a month. This is when I'm clean of all the drugs, (Maybe it'll work!).
It will be lonely and hard, but you betcha' I'll do it. Never bet against me. Any bet that involves me and my body either holding my breath, experiencing pain, or losing weight I always win. I've never lost. Just to brag a bit, I recently lost 30 pounds in 7 weeks, from 210 lbs. to 180 lbs. and won a grand.
But this isn't just a macho, look at me, thing. The worst case is pain. The rest is all up-side: Starting meds at low levels, new methods of dealing with pain, and the opportunity to do the most important thing of all.
I believe that I am the way God wants me to be, for His reasons and His glory. And I'll pray for His strength, to do His will, which maybe just to share my experience with you. No matter the outcome, I will put myself in the backseat for a while, and let Him drive. Lord, Thy will be done...God bless us all, Colin.
I became disabled at age 46 after 2 failed spinal surgeries. I married my college sweetheart. We have four kids. I'm rebuilding my life after having been diagnosed with Arachnoiditis, an incurable, progressive syndrome causing loss of many ordinary bodily functions and characterized by grinding, incessant nerve pain, like a toothache but a lot more severe. I walk with a cane and choke down a host of pills, many of them narcotic.
I built a web-site, Chronic Pain Lifestyle that I write with 3 people who suffer the same condition. Our page is not a forum, nor is it a source of medical information. Our page is about how we're rebuilding our lives. Sometimes we're funny, other times sad. We mix nostalgia and disappointment with hope, experiences and fellowship.
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